A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I”m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every…

Father says to his son: “you are eighteen and are mature enough now. I allow you to start smoking if you want to” Son: “thanks dad, I’ve quit two years ago”  

A man called into a local radio station and told the ”morning guys” that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn’t going to get any sex. They asked him, ”How long do you think you”ll be able to hold out?” Reply: ”Until my girlfriend dies”  

A lady with bone cancer had trouble getting to sleep at night because of the pain. To make matters worse, her tomcat’s yowling would wake her up just as she fell asleep. “I don’t need this,” she raged. She had the tomcat neutered. A few months later she found an ancient lantern up in her…

A large cancer hospital ran into financial difficulties, so the board hired a consultant who was known for cutting corners and who claimed that he could do it without having any negative impact on patient care. The trick, according to the consultant, was to do away with “unnecessary” big expenses like salaries. How? He would…

A doctor calls a patient to report on a bone scan and biopsy. The patient is out so the doctor leaves a message to call. As usual, no medical details are left. After a day of telephone tag, the doctor and the patient finally get together on the phone. Says the doctor in a matter…

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What’s that? Lady 2: A condom. Lady 1: Where’d you get it? Lady 2: You can get…

A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Dr. William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Harvard University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasize his point, Dr. Osler announced, “This bottle contains a sample…

This friend of mine had felt unwell for months, so he decided to see his doctor. The doctor examined him and referred him to the hospital to see various specialists. After a couple of weeks, all the test results came through, so my friend returned to see his doctor. “I’m very sorry”, said the doctor….

A man isn’t feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks “can he be cured?”. The doctor replies “there’s a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you…

A patient visited his urologist for testicular cancer and expressed concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about the chemotherapy. The doctor said “I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my…

Mary was walking through Walmart when she ran into Harry, who she hadn’t seen in a couple of years. They got to talking and eventually Harry enquired after Grahame; her husband. “Oh Dear: haven’t you heard? Unfortunately he’s no longer with us.” “’What dead?” “Yes.” “I’m sorry to hear that. If it’s not too intrusive,…

Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, “I hope they have a baseball team in heaven.” “Me too”, says Jack. “Tell you what”, says Paul, “If I die first, I’ll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can…

Three buddies were talking about death and dying. One asked, “When you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great…

A man became impotent due to removal of his cancerous prostate. His urologist recommended a penile implant, which can readily pumped up when an erection is needed. “You can have a regular grade plastic implant, or a harder one. The latter gives a better erection, but your penis may be hard to tuck away when…

A woman with terminal cancer returns to religion with fervor. She knows that God will help her get better. Early in her sickness, a surgeon proposes radical surgery. “No”, she says, “I don’t want to get mutilated and suffer pain. It’s not necessary, God will help me”. A while later, she sees a radiologist and…

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Little Johnny wakes up on Christmas morning, runs downstairs and is greeted by his parents and hundreds of presents under the tree. “Oh Wow!” cries Little Johnny as he starts tearing away at all the wrapping paper. Little Johnny is so excited as he opens the presents. He has a brand new BMX, a skateboard,…

What do you call a person who has a compulsion to get lymphoma over and over again? A lymphomaniac!

After being diagnosed with lung cancer, my husband and I went to his hometown for a family reunion trip that had been planned for several months. All the family knew I had been diagnosed and was scheduled to have surgery upon my return home. They all tended to avoid the subject, but took much more…

On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, “That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but we are going to crash into the ocean.” In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. “Dam it! That stupid doctor of mine! He said…

At age 49, I was diagnosed with earlier stage of prostate cancer. The urologist to whom I was referred by my new doctor recommended several months of Lupron followed by a radical prostatectomy. From my own internet search, I knew it was the correct protocol at the time. In conference with my wife and me,…

A man named Mike Smith went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have a cancer and it can’t be cured. I give you two weeks to a month.” Mike, who was shocked…

A very arrogant oncologist, Dr. Johnson, dies and goes straight to Hell. On arrival the Devil says, “I’m going to give you three choices, which is more than you ever gave your patients. Whichever door you choose will be how you’ll spend eternity.” So the doctor opens the first door and sees a mob of…

Doctor Smith: Bad news! The tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have four months to live. Patient: But, Dr. Smith, I can’t pay off my medical bills in four months. Doctor Smith: In that case, you have four months more to live.